Not long after I wrote "Unpopular," I met a young woman who was stepping out on her fiancé. She decided to have a fling with me, but she didn't tell me that I was only fling material (or that she had a fiancé) until after I had started to like her. I was quite unhappy with her. As a result, I wrote:
January 21, 1989, Sioux Falls, SD: "Discovering who I am as a social being in this world seems sometimes naturally to tie in with the universal/spiritual aspects of existence. The struggle for love, loving, and being loved does not always lead to the betterment of the persons involved. More than enough bad experiences can cloud a person's view of the limited good in this world, and consequently cause him to become as bad himself. When he survives lost love, or the discovered absence of love in an intimate partner, without suffering too much pain and, on top of that, moves straight into vengeful contentment as a result of his cold treatment of that partner, that may be socially and personally beneficial to him, but what does it do to him spiritually? I have justified my actions along these lines by saying that I am teaching her a benevolent lesson for having played around with my feelings simply for her own happiness. In my heart that is the truth.
"But a more worrisome result of my successful reaction toward her (successful because I am out of pain) is the fact that I am now able, at will, to prevent the universal flow of love from moving through me. I realize, to my sorrow, that I can give it too easily to the wrong person, and, at other times, take it away again from everyone now, without much difficulty. What happens if I ever find the "right person"? Will I have as little difficulty treating her in the same rude manner, and then be unable to retrieve the love I have compromised?"
