Prisoner of Circumstances

I feel as if I have been completely unable to get on with my life for the past [certain period of time]. If I were to reveal to my friends all the "excellent" reasons why this is so, most of them would not approve. That is because most people have old-fashioned views about how life should be lived. However, it might also be that their disapproval would partially be my fault, because I'm sure I would fail to describe those "excellent" reasons adequately. They all make perfect sense to me; but a lifetime of experience has proven to me that I do a terrible job of explaining things, even things that make perfect sense (except in writing, but even that won't suffice this time); so I have had no desire even to try. Letting everyone wonder is better than explaining poorly.

Of course, it's possible that some of my reasons for remaining stuck here are bad ones, and I am stubbornly clinging to them anyway. I sometimes worry that this might be the case. This, then, could be the real reason that I have chosen to remain silent -- and simply let everyone think that I've switched from being a dedicated workaholic to being a reclusive hermit.

It could also be that this is the "most stuck" I've ever felt, and I cannot stand the thought of admitting it to anyone.

I am a patient person, though (when it comes to personal matters), so I haven't lost hope yet.

Why haven't I lost hope? Because patience has almost always paid off for me before. Many times in the past, my friends and family were critical of my methodology when it came to finding a new job. Every one of those times, I eventually proved them wrong by securing far better or higher-paying employment than they could ever have imagined. They had been trying to make me to settle for just anything, while I was willing to wait for the "perfect" job.

[Very Vague Note: I now desperately wish I had listened to them the last time and not waited for that higher-paying job (in other words, my most recent job), because my resulting large savings account is now one of the reasons that I have been unable to "get on with my life." I would have been much better off (and much happier) with no savings at all. I would explain the situation, but the topic is still too bothersome to dwell on (it involves neither an ex-wife -- I have no ex-wife -- nor an ex-girlfriend.]

Ironically, my two "most perfect jobs," the ones I probably would have kept for a long time (maybe even forever), were facing the budget axe when I arrived (one of which was that high-paying job mentioned above). If I had known that little detail in advance, I would never have applied for them. As you can guess, both of those positions were eventually eliminated. That's why I am free to be here now, writing anonymously to the world.

In spite of everything I have just written, I am not immune to self-doubt. When given enough time, people's opinions start to rub off on me. I am now starting to lose patience with my present circumstances. Of course, this impatience may simply be a sign that I am finally ready to "get on with my life."

BUT THEN... those "excellent" reasons step in front of me and freeze me in my tracks again.

Sigh...

Not So Easy After All

This online revelation stuff isn't as easy to do as I had hoped. I've spent two days now wondering where the line between "too personal" and "too generic" is located. Without having a sense of that in mind, my entry drafts (the partially finished ones that you haven't seen) have lacked any real direction or meaning.

I also don't "have a life" right now (and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will), so it isn't easy coming up with new material every day.

Furthermore, I don't know what the readers (those few of you who have stumbled across my site at this early date) consider to be too whiny or not whiny enough.

I also don't want to portray my dreams and desires as high-brow artsy themes that are reminiscent of an overly melodramatic Broadway play; nor do I want to come off sounding like a burned-out clinical psychologist who is coldly describing his ten-thousandth patient after 35 years of practice. I tend to write both ways sometimes, if I try too hard.

I love writing about politics and philosophy, and I am comfortable sharing those thoughts with the world; but I also love writing about love and loss and loneliness, about soul mates finding one another and then losing one another (due to circumstances beyond their control); however, I have only shared a small sampling of these latter writings with just a few of my very closest friends over the years.

I would like to write about my lifelong battles with that sentient sadist known as Fate, and how It has played with me the way a practical jokester (a big bully) plays with his favorite victim; but none of you would believe that anyone could have been put in the wrong place at the wrong time as many times as I have; nor how so many incredibly insignificant events have led to major, unpleasant life changes; nor would you believe how many times Fate has put me in the right place at almost exactly the right time, but always just one second too late or too soon. It has almost become humorous, even for me (and I've been thinking that is how I should write about it).

I have also always been far more comfortable corresponding with specific people (myself included) than with a general audience. My words, and, by association, I myself, come across as much more real that way. Writing to the whole world about personal thoughts and feelings seems a lot like standing on a stage and baring my soul to a huge, anonymous audience (and I'm definitely no exhibitionist). It's very scary wondering what sort of reception I will receive. For me, it is much easier writing about public things in a public setting.

Finally, when you combine all this with my need to revise everything I write at least 27 times... Well, I'm sure you get the point.

In spite of everything I have just written, I am going to give it my best shot anyway. I may have to continue writing in a cold, clinical and generic (albeit occasionally hilarious :-) fashion for a while, until I am comfortable revealing myself to the whole world.

In the meantime, I thank you in advance for being patient with me. Have a great day (but, if you aren't, then you could at least pretend ;-).

Sincerely, MW
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There Is A Bright Side

It has been almost one year since I first thought about creating my own online journal. It has taken me that long to build up the courage to do so (I've had more than one person steal my ideas in the past). Four days ago, November 2, 2004, I still didn't have the courage. On November 3, the indescribable disappointment and disgust that I felt (still feel) toward half of my fellow Americans has given me far more than enough courage to do so. So, here you have it, my very first online journal entry.

If this editorial makes me seem excessively angry, keep in mind that it's nothing compared to how I felt in the two or three days after the election, not to mention the past year and a half. I reserve my truly angry language for those times that I am alone and shouting at the TV news (most of the time).

No Sympathy

I have no sympathy for people who make incredibly unintelligent and/or self-righteous decisions when there is extremely compelling evidence warning them not to do so. On November 2, half of my fellow Americans voted to reelect a pyromaniac as CEO of this giant fireworks factory that we live in. I am very happy to say that I will not feel even the slightest bit of sympathy for them when their decision blows up in their faces (and their simple-minded illusions are shattered). Of course, their decision will blow up in my face too, but I cannot help that.

Even though Bush (the aforementioned pyromaniac) will definitely be out of office by January 2009 (at the very latest), his meddling with the environment, the Supreme Court and the Constitution will be felt for decades (or even centuries?) to come. Sadly, those are disasters that cannot be fixed as soon as he leaves office.

However...

For those of us who recognize insanity, incompetence and deceitfulness when we see them, there are several bright sides to this nightmare -- if you can bring yourself to look at it in certain ways. I know it isn't easy, but it is better than total doom and gloom. Consider them for yourselves:

Certain Way 1; The Scene of the Crime

If a criminal remains at the scene of the crime for too long, there is a much greater likelihood that he is going to get caught "in the act" (take your pick of "acts"). Eight years is one heck of a long time for such a deceitful and incompetent president and his accomplices to remain at the scene of this particular crime without bungling at least once and getting caught in a way that leaves no doubt as to their guilt, a guilt that cannot be covered up or ignored by a republican congress. I don't know about the rest of you, but thoughts like that are better than motivational tapes for me (actually, I hate motivational tapes).

Unrealistic, you say? Maybe. But remember that President Nixon was reelected in a landslide in 1972, carrying 49 of 50 states. Less than two years later, he was forced to resign in disgrace.

Oh yeah... Luckily, Vice President Agnew was forced to resign a year before President Nixon. History would definitely have to repeat itself here too; otherwise, none of these bright sides will be worth the powder to blow them up.

Certain Way 2; Living With His Own Disasters

Bush now has four more years in which to face the consequences of the disasters he has wrought in Iraq, in taxation, in the budget and trade deficits, in supporting outsourcing, etc. If Kerry had won the election, then those consequences would have been blamed on him. Evangelical "hill folk" and other self-righteous conservatives would have shouted, "If Bush hadn't been defeated, everything would have worked according to plan!!" As a result, in 2008, they would have caused history to repeat itself again by electing another Bush-like conservative (maybe even Bush himself again) to replace Kerry; and democrats would have been in even greater disfavor than they are now. In short, we need to let those people who voted for Bush (especially those seemingly amoral moderates who probably helped to put him over the top) experience him to full effect, so that they can get him out of their systems, once and for all. Taking him away from them before they have grown disillusioned with him would only have made them want him (or someone like him) even more than they do now.

An analogy: All of us know at least one young person who has fallen in love with the most worthless person that he or she could ever have found. No amount of parental reasoning will convince him or her not to marry that worthless person. At some point, those parents realize that their child is going to have to learn the truth the hard way, by living it; so they back off, painful as that may be, and let fate run its course. And, true to form, their child almost always wises up, but only after having survived under the most trying of circumstances.

I strongly hope that in 2008 (and well beyond), the majority of those moderate Bush voters (those amoral people who rewarded this self-righteous, incompetent person with a second term) will think a lot harder and longer before they ever trust another Bush-like republican again. I, for one, will revel in their disillusionment, even as I rub their noses in it (yes, I believe in civil, courteous behavior -- far more than most people -- but not with people who gave the green light to such a terrible president).

Wishful thinking? I have no idea; but that's what looking on the bright side is all about

Certain Way 3; Conservative Utopians Unchecked

As stated above, there is now an even greater republican majority in congress. For the past two years, the combination of a republican president and a republican congress has resulted in unchecked spending, combined with big tax breaks for the wealthy and insignificant tax breaks for the middle class (the government is spending more, even though it is earning less). Can you imagine what all those greedy republican "kids" are going to do in the government candy store now that they have received "a mandate" from the American people? In addition, they will now get a rare opportunity to put their conservative, utopian economic theories to the test. Those theories will most likely leave tens of millions of Americans (especially the seniors, who voted for Bush in the greatest numbers) without adequate social-security and medical benefits, and the rest of us with a severely weakened infrastructure. The Bush administration, contrary to popular thought, has already weakened our military infrastructure by privatizing large portions of it (Haliburton is doing what would originally have been done by the military itself, and doing it with less-than-stellar results; but Cheney's company is sure getting rich, eh?).

If the government's bills come due in the next four years, and there is no money left to pay them off, our fearless leader will have to consider either bankrupting the government or else taxing low- and middle-income Americans to death (he will never tax his wealthy friends, since he owes his political soul, as well as that giant federal debt, to them).

Some of the evangelical "hill folk" might ask, "Where are those 'liberal, overspending' democrats in all of this? I'll bet they're to blame."

Clearer minds will reply to them, "Why, they're sitting safely on the sidelines, watching the liberal-bashing conservatives spending borrowed money like there is no tomorrow! Can you believe that? And, what's more, you and your wealthy, conservative allies cannot blame them for any of this mess you voted for! Congratulations."

And the conservatives' economic utopian theory will finally be disproven, once and for all (at least for one or two generations). We may have to suffer in the meantime, but it will be worth it.

In Conclusion

See? There you have at least three different bright sides to this nightmare. And to think that people have always told me I'm a pessimist (actually, I am -- in some ways --, but I think it's genetic, not voluntary).

Will any or all of my predictions come to pass? I don't know, but I do know that I accurately predicted all of the mistakes made by Bush in his first four years in office (no, that's not bragging, since predicting his mistakes doesn't require a degree in rocket science).

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