I posted six black-and-white photos yesterday in my Flickr account. All are from the fall of 1979. In each of them is a girl I knew during my freshman year of college. Every time I look at those pictures again, I suddenly remember her all over again. No, there is nothing significant about that. It is my recurring "what if" thoughts that are significant.
I feel it is necessary to preface this entry with a bit of background. [Note: No matter how much this may seem like a sob story, it really isn't. I had a lot of fun writing it, even though it may not seem that way. Besides, it is all ancient history now. I was too optimistic and full of life in those days to be bothered by it, at least on a conscious level.]
Growing Up
Many kids are very impressionable. If they are treated not so well by their peers, then it is likely to have an effect on their social skills when they become adults. There's very little that can be done about it. Even if they pretend it's not there, it's still really there.
I attended 1st grade through 3rd grade in Pierre, SD. I was just like any other kid in my class. My classmates and I had all started school together; therefore, we were all "equals." I attended 4th grade in a small town near Pierre. Suddenly, I was the new kid. I wasn't treated as an equal, yet no one was rude to me either. I became good friends with a set of twins, lukewarm friends with one boy (who later wasn't nice to me), and with one cute girl, who befriended me, at least during recess. In 5th grade, I attended school in another nearby small town. In that town I was constantly made fun of and ridiculed, etc., etc., etc. Why? Because I hadn't been part of the crowd since day one. It was as simple as that. It took a while, but I began to accept the fact that most of those kids weren't interested in giving me a chance. I wasn't unpopular, by any means, but I certainly wasn't part of the in crowd either. A couple of those kids eventually befriended me on a casual basis, and they came to know the real me, the me that was a goofy humorist, entertainer and friend. In 7th grade another new kid moved to town. As a relative outcast too, he came to my house one day, and we became true best friends.
We moved here to western Nebraska just before my sophomore year. As I've mentioned before, most of the kids here were cruel snobs. Even the girls here were cruel snobs. Even the girls who had absolutely no room to think highly of themselves were cruel snobs. During my sophomore year I was on a weekend bowling league. One day my own teammates conspired with a cute girl from a nearby town to make me believe she liked me (because I had foolishly told them I thought she was cute). She motioned for me to come talk to her. Most of her teammates were standing with her. When she finally got me to admit that I liked her, she and her friends started laughing at me in front of everyone. My own teammates were laughing too.
Nice, huh?
I was too angry to be embarrassed. In fact, I wasn't embarrassed at all, because their behavior was just too stereotypical, childish and over the top to be believed.
I'm conceited in a strange way. I have a positive opinion of myself and my abilities, but I can't break free from the thought that most other people are going to have a low opinion of me. That's the inescapable result of having been constantly made fun of as I was growing up. Therefore, my behavior around other people as an adult is sometimes so subtle that I am almost invisible. At other times, thanks to my three years of bar-tending experience, I am the life of the party.
Now That You've Got Some Background...
I began my freshman year of college in August 1979, at a junior college here in western Nebraska.
Sometime during that first month I had gotten into the habit of reading magazines in the college library between classes. I always sat in one of the comfortable lounge chairs by the magazine rack and propped my feet on the low, round table, around which the lounge chairs were situated. One day in late September I was sitting there reading and relaxing. During an absent-minded moment I turned and scanned the rest of the library. My view of the center of the room was partially blocked by a long, low bookshelf (about four feet high). From where I was sitting I could only see the heads of the people sitting at tables on the other side. This time I saw a stunningly beautiful girl sitting at one of the tables. The amazing thing is that she was staring directly at me with a huge, friendly smile. She even said "hi" to me in sort of a "It's great to meet you" way. She was behaving as if she had been waiting for me to turn and look at her.
Not believing I was the center of her attention, I quickly turned and looked around me to see if she was speaking to someone else, but she wasn't. I was the only person in that part of the library. I turned to her again and returned her smiled, but I don't remember if I spoke. I think I was speechless (suddenly paralyzed vocal cords, you know). In all of my life no unknown girl as beautiful as that had ever intentionally tried to get my attention. I didn't know what to make of her.
It wasn't in my character to approach such a girl and introduce myself, even if she seemed to want me to do so; therefore, I continued to read my magazine. Or at least I tried to read it, because, truth be told, I couldn't concentrate anymore. Why had she been staring at me like that? There had to be a catch.
Every so often I would turn and look at her again to make sure I hadn't been imagining things. At least half the time, she was still looking at me with that infectious smile. And, no, you skeptics, I wasn't merely in her line of site by accident. In order for her to be able to see me over that low bookshelf, she had to lift her head up a short distance.
I desperately wanted to talk to her, but I had no idea what to say. Besides, what if I was mistaken about her intentions? If she would just come and talk to me, I thought, then my dilemma would be fixed. But she didn't. I must have had to leave for my next class before she did, because I don't remember her walking past me to leave the library (my chair was only a few feet from the entrance).
Not Only in the Movies...
Later that day I was sitting in the commons area just outside the library's entrance (the library is up a flight of about 10 steps, with glass doors at the top of the steps). Sitting with me were five or six guys who were in various classes with me. It wasn't long before I told them about my encounter with the beautiful girl in the library. I told them how she had seemed to try to get my attention and then frequently stared at me afterward. Of course, they all scoffed and told me I was full of it. None of them believed a word of it (they were being good-natured about it, though).
I continued to argue with them, saying that it was absolutely true. They still refused to believe me. During a brief lull in the argument, in which we were all watching another pretty girl walk past, I felt a tap on my left shoulder. As I turned my head and looked up to see who it was, I could swear I caught a split-second glimpse of five or six male faces with eyes wide open, in shock. In the next instant I was looking up into the eyes of the beautiful girl from the library. My blood went to my feet.
She gave me that same beautiful smile and said, "Hi, my name is Jackie. Would you like to sign my petition to join the cheerleading squad?"
Even though there were six or seven of us sitting there, she asked only me. Of course, I signed it. I don't remember if she asked any of the other guys for their signatures or not, but it almost seems as if she didn't. I believe they had to volunteer. I had to concentrate very hard just to maintain my composure and not make a fool of myself. In short, I said very little to her, because I knew whatever I said, especially in front of all those guys, would be silly and juvenile.
As soon as she left, I turned to them with a giant grin and said, "That was her. I told you so!"
They were in awe.
Yes, there was some justice in the universe after all.
In hindsight, I wonder if she had had overheard me as I was trying to convince them that she was real, so she decided to come to my aid; because the timing seemed just too perfect to be pure chance.
But, then again, maybe it was just an amazing coincidence that she showed up at that moment.
She tried out for the cheerleading squad a week or so later, and I was lucky enough to take pictures of those tryouts for the college newspaper. She won, of course.
For the first few weeks her behavior toward me continued to make me believe she was interested in me (or had a crush on me, or whatever you want to call it). I could sense it, but I couldn't prove it. At other times, I was certain I was imagining all of it. Of course, I could have found out for sure by asking her to go on a date; but that would have required me to take a huge chance. I had not fared too well in the past when taking chances with girls. Ten years of being treated as an outcast was just too much to overcome in such a short period of time.
I also soon learned through the grapevine that she had a boyfriend. He was a senior starter on the local high-school wrestling team, in a town of almost 15,000 people. I wasn't about to get beaten up by a monster like that for asking his girlfriend out on a date. Instead, I tried to get her to tell me she liked me. If she had given me that much, then I could have lived with the risk of getting beaten up. But that wasn't her style. She was determined to have me go out on that limb first because that's how it was done in those days. Regrettably, similar limbs had broken under my weight in the past, so I had become excessively cautious by the time I met Jackie.
After a few weeks of paralysis on my part, I could tell that she was ever so slowly starting to give up on me - and possibly becoming annoyed by my nervous juvenile behavior (which would have ceased immediately if we had actually started dating; it was the not knowing that made me behave like a juvenile). The more I sensed her pulling away, the harder I tried to prevent it; and everyone knows what happens when one tries too hard.
Eventually, we drifted apart. In fact, I can't even remember seeing her in the second semester. I think she is one of the cheerleaders who is in the blurry background of one of my January 1980, basketball photos, but I can't say for sure). Besides, there were other girls in that college, and two of them showed an interest in me also. I was interested in only one of them in return (Deb). Of course, I made the same mistake with her too. My switch from unpopular to popular had simply happened too quickly. I couldn't change who I was on such short notice.
Both Jackie and Deb transferred to four-year colleges at the end of their freshman year.
