When I still had health insurance through my former school employers, I should have bravely gone to the doctor and asked if he (she) had any free samples of anti-depression drugs. He might have given me a big handful of sample packets and possibly gotten me addicted (yeah, I know, that's not how they do it). That might have turned out to be a real profit maker for him. At least I could have known, once and for all, if I really was (am) depressed and just didn't (don't) know it.
All kidding aside, I'm starting to wonder if depression (the kind that I cannot recognize without professional assistance) is at the heart of my inability to figure out what to do with myself career-wise and life-wise. I sort of doubt it, but then it's not always possible to diagnose oneself
Confession
Yes, people, this is a real confession, although it is only a theory. There are many competing theories, and you may note my confusion in some places as I discuss them.
I have to admit that I don't feel any specific or even general depression in the way that I sometimes felt it in high school and college. This depression that I am wondering about may be the type that affects my decision-making abilities in ways that don't resemble depression. It's sort of like when some crazy people are completely incapable of recognizing that they are crazy. :-)
I try very hard not to let my depression (if I really do have it) affect my day-to-day thinking and overall demeanor. I treat it as one would treat a broken toe. It may be unpleasant, but it isn't productive to dwell on it or to complain about it, even if it does stop me from doing certain activities. Furthermore, as a matter of pride, instead of sharing my possible depression with others, I would rather make excuses as to why I'm not "getting on with my life." I don't know why I've changed "policy" in this entry.
It has often occurred to me: Maybe I have become so good at suppressing the depression that I am incapable of recognizing that I still have it (like a person who doesn't realize he cannot see very well until he gets glasses).
This possible depression may even have a lot to do with why I so frequently post vague entries. It's just not something I enjoy discussing, especially since it may not be true (I guess I am a typical guy in this one instance). Yes, I occasionally describe sad experiences in my diary (although I don't consider them sad in a bad way), but those are a far cry from admitting that I might possibly be afflicted with honest-to-goodness depression.
Amateur explanation: In all sincerity, I would like to blame my supposed depression on my total disillusionment with every aspect of American society. I totally despise most of the options our society gives us for work, play and socializing. I've done them to death, and they are just not fulfilling. I am even less interested in discussing the possibility that this "disillusionment" might be a permanent thing (I say disillusionment with "society" because I am not really disillusioned with life itself). Being single doesn't help matters either (don't take my word for it regarding the relationship between being single and being depressed; Google it).
Job Search and Depression
Presently, my possible depression (or disillusionment) seems to be manifesting itself most obviously in my search for a job. In the past year, only two or three jobs have been "good enough" for me to apply for them (I have searched numerous employment listings every day for well over a year). Actually, I have found a number of jobs that I would like to have, but I am "technically" not qualified for them. The rest, well... I feel as if I am looking at all future employment opportunities as if they are competing jail cells, and the one that I choose will be the one in which I am imprisoned for a long time to come. I am supremely hesitant to step into any of those cells and have the door clang shut on me without my being certain that I am willing to stay there for a while. Since I must eventually step into one of them, then I at least want to make sure to pick the one that is the least inhospitable. Why? Well, I may not be able to control this possible depression medically (since I have no insurance right now), but I am certainly not going to make it worse by voluntarily choosing the wrong future for myself (this leads me to another thought: If I choose the right future, I may just cure my theoretical depression without the aid of a prescription drug).
Related-Competing Theories (yes, that's how confused I am)
To some extent, I can also thank my over cautiousness in my job search on my last job (the school job). I desperately wish I had NEVER applied for it. In some ways, it was a good job (the pay was certainly excellent); however, as far as life goes, it was a miserable waste of irreplaceable years. Thanks to the mistake I made in applying for that job, I no longer trust myself when it comes to applying for future jobs. So here I sit, being far too cautious. I'm just glad that I can afford to be cautious (which may also contribute to my slow pace in the job search).
Furthermore, I simply cannot get past the feeling that my next job is going to be one that I will feel compelled to keep for many years to come. Why? Because I cannot continue to "job hop" the way I have been. "Job hopping" is no way to prepare for a secure, long-term future (especially in a country whose economy is quickly being driven into the ground by a disastrously greedy, incompetent president and a disastrously greedy, incompetent congress). Even if I love my theoretical long-term job, I worry that the "adventure of life" (the possibility that there is something exciting and new lying in wait over the next hill) will have finally come to an end. I will have "settled." I will have surrendered to the "reality" that was defined by this society I dislike so much. Now that is depressing.
What All This Is About...
Tonight I saw an opening for a "Reading Curriculum Specialist" with the SD Department of Education. For some reason (probably because I have a degree in English), it seems like a tolerable job, even though it is totally bureaucratic (I totally despise bureaucracy, thanks to my last job). Besides the bureaucratic angle, the only other potential drawback is that the job requires statewide travel two to three days a week, including overnight stays. The travel part does not excite me at all. Why? Before I went to work at the school, I had a sales/delivery job for a grand total of six months. I drove an average of 1,500 miles per week, all over South Dakota, stopping for a total of ten or fifteen minutes at each location. I thought I would really like it when I applied. Instead, it was the worst job I ever had (the school job was heaven by comparison). In fact, I hated it so much that I got a bleeding ulcer for the first and only time in my life. I also suffered all day long from horribly painful nervous stomach aches. Those stomach aches went away as soon as I got off work on Friday afternoon, and they returned as soon as I started work every Tuesday morning at 5:30. For me, that was proof that the job was to blame for my condition.
I've never had a nervous ulcer/stomach ache since I quit that job. I don't know if "road life" in the Reading Curriculum job would be the same as "road life" in my traveling sales job (probably not), but it certainly causes me to hesitate before sending in an application. I guess it's something I need to think about.
Thus I conclude my long, rambling analysis of my possible depression and/or disillusionment with society.
P.S. - Speaking of anti-depression drugs, here's a fun thought: Maybe they could make "Simpsons Chewable Depression Tablets," just like they make "Flintstones Chewable Vitamins." They would be the only depression pills that would cure your depression even before you swallow them. :-)
