On Valentine's night, I had a very strange "erotic" dream that started out promisingly enough, but then fell completely apart, as usual. Why do my dreams always have to fall apart? Theoretically, it is my own imagination that is fueling my dreams, so why do I do that to myself? I have always had a vivid waking imagination that has never taken ridiculous or unpleasant detours. Why is it, then, always doing so when I am asleep?
Or is it possible that my subconscious, sleeping self is really separate from my conscious, waking self? And, even worse, my subconscious, sleeping self despises my conscious, waking self (for any number of valid reasons)? Is my subconscious self, therefore, determined to stick it to my conscious self by teasing it with the promise of good dreams every night and then ruining them just when they are starting to get good? The evidence overwhelmingly supports that theory.
As I was saying, I had a very strange "erotic" dream on Valentine's night. It was also, literally, the most "clinical" erotic dream I had ever had. For some unknown reason, I found myself in an actual sex seminar, something like one might see on a low-budget HBO or Showtime "documentary." I'm sure there were other men there, but I only remember about five or six women and myself (which was fine by me). As the dream began, the female instructor was pointing to and describing the more exciting and popular parts of the female anatomy, using several different seminar attendees as her subjects. These female attendees also happily allowed a hands-on inspection by those of us who were not willing to take the instructor's word for it. ;-)
For the short period of time that this part of the dream lasted, it seemed to hold great promise; nonetheless, it was a bit too clinical for me. Unlike the stereotypical men of the world, I'm a big fan of intimacy. While sex without intimacy is all kinds of fun while it is happening, the aftermath is surprisingly depressing. Don't get me wrong, though. I would gladly have suffered the depression by registering for several more such seminars if my dream had lasted longer -- and had not gone in the wrong direction. It's just that I would prefer to have a dream encounter with a woman I love, even if I am not exactly sure who she was once I wake up.
Brief, Seemingly Irrelevant Departure from the Dream Story
This past Friday evening I watched "Dateline NBC" (normally, I cannot stand watching that sort of program). The story revolved around five or six people who were determined to lose weight before they went to their high-school reunion. When they finally attended the reunion, many months later and many pounds lighter, they all sat at a table together and were admired by all of their old classmates. I'm definitely not overweight, but I enjoyed the show, nonetheless.
Back to the Dream Story
While I was "inspecting" yet another naked female seminar attendee :-), a third naked woman began styling my hair. I remember the instructor explaining in the background that this was part of what we were supposed to experience. I certainly wasn't fond of the idea, and, if I had not been distracted by all those wonderful naked women, I would have had the presence of mind to make her stop. [Question: What the hell kind of a meaningless twist is this to have in a sex dream, anyway?]
Just as my naked "beautician" was half finished with my hair (so that I resembled a cross between Cosmo Kramer and Brittany Spears), and just as I was beginning to analyze more thoroughly the intricacies of the female specimen in front of me, the dream switched locations. Suddenly, all of us sex-seminar attendees were sitting together at MY high-school reunion! We were on display for everyone to see (although, thankfully -- and oddly enough, considering it was a dream -- we had our clothes on)! But I still had that ridiculous, half-finished hair style!
Why?!!
It was bad enough that all those wonderfully naked women were now clothed and back to normal, but this new situation only added insult to injury.
At first, I walked around the back of the room, embarrassed beyond words that my old classmates would be thinking all sorts of untrue things about me, so I avoided eye contact with them. I kept wanting to run out of the building and head for the hills, but I couldn't make myself do it (typical dream behavior, eh?). The other seminar attendees seemed not to be bothered by these new circumstances at all. Of course, this wasn't their reunion, so what did they care?
I felt completely trapped in this dream, which is unusual for me, because I am usually conscious enough to realize when I am dreaming. This awareness frequently allows me to wake myself up from bad dreams that are clearly unrealistic. This dream wasn't unrealistic enough, though (in other words, no monsters or other scary beings to make me skeptical of the reality of the situation), so it took a short while longer for me to break free and wake up. When I did, I was incredibly relieved that the reunion had not been real.
A Slightly Tangential Conclusion
While writing this entry, I had a wild idea for the future: When is Apple going to invent the "iDreamPod"? In using such a device, we would be able to select a different series of dreams every night from a large dream library, clamp the "electrode buds" onto our temples and drift off... We could even create customized "dreamlists." Apple would be so confident of their device's abilities that they would offer a 100% money-back guarantee to any dreamer whose dream is hijacked by his own obnoxious subconscious, or who wakes up before his or her dream session is finished (with exceptions for real-world interruptions, such as spouses elbowing you in the eye, phone calls, natural disasters, alarm clocks, etc.). In fact, people could even get on the internet and share homemade personal dream files with one another (but NOT anonymously!). Naturally, the new professional dream-making industry would also get in on the act by selling a wide variety of professionally produced dreams via Apple's online iDreams Store. A weekly "Top-40 Dreams" list would be prominently advertised. In the tradition of yoga and meditation, certain "new age" dreamlists could even be used to instill a sense of peace, well being and/or purpose in people who need that sort of nightly boost.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Furthermore, with Apple in charge, there would also be no fear (at least among Macintosh users) that malicious hackers would ever succeed in hijacking our dreams with something like "Bride of Chucky" or "Freddy Kruger" dream viruses.
Remember, you heard it here first, folks. Those of you who know my real identity will vouch for me if some thief tries to steal my idea. Right? :-)
Sincerely, MJW (YouNameIt)
